A rough morning for the working mommy

I'm a very optimistic/positive person so I hate being Debbie downer! I'm so freaking lucky to have the life and family I have. That said, I had kind of a crappy morning. (And as a reader of my blog, you don't just want to hear about the good days, right?)

Lila woke up in a great mood. She started making noises around 7:15 when Neil and I were eating breakfast, so I went up to get her. I got smiles and giggles the whole time I changed her and got her dressed. She was great when I fed her her bottle (we are almost completely done with nursing - another post entirely) and she was her normal happy self when I got her out the door with Neil to go to daycare.

So what's wrong with this picture you ask? A nice morning with a smiling happy baby?

I was only with her for approximately 20 minutes!! This was particularly fast morning, but still. Also, she goes to bed around 7 these days so that's only about an hour and 1/2 with her in the evenings. This is NOT enough time people!!! It breaks my heart that I miss so much during the day while I'm at work.

So, I cried! I cried a bit getting ready this morning and I cried some in the car on the way to work! Am I a bad mom because I have to work? Am I a really bad mom because most days I don't mind going to work? Am I messing her up completely by not being there during the day to teach her things and talk to her? I love our daycare - but I'm so jealous that the girls that work there get to enjoy her all day. That's my baby and they are getting to see her smiles and laughs, not me! They are also getting the poop and feedings and fusses too, but anyway...

I'm just in a little funk I guess. I wish I had the option to work part time or have more days off or be able to spend more time with her during the week, but I really don't. We absolutely have to have my full income (more would be nice) and frankly, I think I'm a better mom because I work. The time I do spend with her is undivided, 100%, loving/playing/nurturing Lila time. Even in the car on the way home from daycare (only 10 mins) I reach back and hold her hand or stroke her face during the stoplights! I try not to look at my phone or do much else when I'm with her! But it's still just not enough.

Another thing is that our evening routine is such a scramble because of her early bedtime. Even if I bring Lila directly home I'm rushing to fit everything in before that first "time for bed" eye rub. I knew we were pushing it last night to try to go to Chick fil A at 6:30. We made it but by the time we got home and up to her room and in pj's she was already past the point of going to bed easily. She got overtired and cranky and never really got to sleep until 8:15. Neil and I took turns patting, shushing, etc in her room for almost an hour! No fun for anyone!! If we get the timing right she puts herself to sleep in just a few minutes, no tears. So I know this early bedtime is the right thing to do, but it's just so hard to not have much time with her.

So that's my sad, poor me rant of the day. The plight of the working mom. Don't even get me started on the dishes, mail, laundry, recycling, trash, etc.. that is piling up and the tasks that never seem to get done. I know stay at home moms have it bad too, but at least you have nap time to do stuff! I know.. I know.. at least I have daily adult interaction and a full hour to eat lunch (sometimes).

So that's it. I just wanted to complain a bit! I don't have enough time with my sweet lovely daughter, and it sucks. But, tomorrow will be better. And then I have the weekend. And someday she will have a later bedtime! I know it will get better, but for now, it BLOWS!

Does it get worse before it gets better?

I've told friends struggling with the sleeplessness, fussiness and the newness of the newborn stage to "Wait. It gets better. Then it gets worse. Then it gets better again!"... (Then repeat for child's entire life).

Does the same apply to being a working mom?

I was doing so well, but today was rough. The tears showed up about 5 minutes into my drive to work. A little Top 40 radio cleared that up, but it is truly hitting me this morning.

Am I really going to be away from my precious girl for 8 or 9 hours a DAY?! I'm leaving her to be fed, changed, played with and loved on by someone else! I'm missing her and missing out and IT SUCKS!

Last night/this morning Lila woke up at 3 and 5:30am, I'm not sure if it was hunger or the storms or what, but we all had interrupted sleep last night. When she stirred at 6:30 I plucked her from the bassinet nearby and put her into our bed to feed her and snuggle. Soon she fell back asleep. She looked so peaceful and beautiful I could've just sat there with Neil and looked at her all day.

I suddenly had a horrible feeling in my gut: I have to leave her today! I have to wake her up, get her dressed and send her to daycare and go to work! Honestly, if I had any vacation days left I probably would've taken one to just cuddle and hang out on the couch.

I can tell the days at childcare are wearing on her a bit. Even though she is happy there, she's not napping well and I think she's a bit overtired and overstimulated from her new life away from home.

It's wearing on me too. Four consecutive work days away from Lila is taking its toll on my heart and I don't even want to know what five in a row feels like. Thank goodness its Friday and I have two whole days with her this weekend.

Here's hoping it gets better. It will get better, right?

Happy at daycare and mama's adjusting

Today is Lila's second day at daycare and she seems to be doing very well! It's a large in-home daycare that is certified as a daycare and is also a pre-school. They could have as many as 18 kids at one time (but hardly ever do) and there are 6 staff members including the director (it's her home).

So far, it's really great. The girls that take care of the babies are so sweet and they couldn't get over Lila's happy disposition! Apparently she just smiles all day at them and laughs and smiles at the other babies. I'm sure she fusses too but they didn't tell me about that! She's eating well (three 4 oz bottles of pumped milk yesterday) and napping. Naps are short (30 minutes to an hour) and yesterday she napped 4 different times. I think her naps will get longer and less frequent when she adjusts to not being swaddled at naptime. They are willing to swaddle her, but we are trying to wean her off of it! I'll let them deal with the short naps. :)

The other thing I love about this daycare is that they text me during the day!! It's wonderful. They let me know how she is doing, if she's eating well, her mood and they send me the occasional photo as well!

The daycare texted these to me this morning:

The second one is blurry because she was bouncing so much!! She loves to jump! I'm so happy she's having fun and transitioning well.

I'm adjusting to the life of a working mom. It's hard but is definitely the right choice for me. I say that like it was a choice... this was always the plan! We need two salaries and health insurance, thank you!

Pumping is going well, I'm feeling productive and happy at work and feeling more and more like my old self but still like Lila's mommy. I love my time with Lila in the mornings and we have plenty of time at night. I am exhausted by the end of the day though!! How do people do this with more than one child?!! How do single moms do it? I can't imagine. Other than feeding her a few times, I did not sit down until 9:30pm which is right when Neil got home from MBA class! Luckily these Tues/Thurs night classes are over in 4 more weeks!

My evening went like this:

5:30 - Home with Lila and my 5 bags of stuff (cooler with empty bottles, laptop, diaper bag, work tote bag, cooler of milk pumped from the day)

5:30-6 - Feed Lila (I love nursing her after being away from her all day!), change diaper, "talk" about our day!

6-6:30 - Quick trip to Target, Lila loves shopping!

6:30-8 - Try to hold, entertain, talk to and play with Lila while I attempt to do the following:

- Wash bottles
- Prep bottles for the next day
- Make and eat my own dinner (frozen cheesy rice/broccoli mixed with leftover chicken - hey it worked)
- Prep tomorrow's lunch
- Thaw chicken for next night's dinner
- Clean out fridge
- Gather up trash for Neil to take out when he gets home
- Wash/dry/fold clothes, make sure I have something to wear for next day
- and a bunch of other mundane things I forget now!

8 - Feeding

8:15-9 - Play, cuddle, love on Lila, gear her down for bed, diaper change, PJ's

9 - Bedtime for Lila (we are working on getting it earlier..)

9:20 - She's actually asleep for good. (I had to go in and soothe her back to sleep a few times)

9:30 - Sit down. Neil walks in the door!

It could be much worse. I'm happy the day went so well, actually. This morning went much more smoothly and I got to work at a decent time. I'm still getting used to this working mom thing, but I'm confident I can do it!!

Any other working moms out there? Any tips for me? How do you fit it all in?