Happy Birthday Lila!

One year ago at 10:13 am, Lila Caroline Miller was born via emergency c-section. She was 7 lb 15 oz and even after a crazy birth was perfectly healthy and beautiful. Our lives were forever changed and we have had such a wonderful year with her. She has grown and changed so much and Neil and I have changed right with her.

We are so so lucky to have her in our lives. This year has been transformative in so many ways, but mainly because I became a mom. Her mom. She is a special little girl and we cannot wait to celebrate her birthday on Saturday!

We love you Lila. Happy Birthday!!

Home Sweet Home

I'm so happy to be home and oh so tired! I just got back from beautiful San Antonio, Texas where I was a presenter at a conference this weekend. I've been gone since Saturday. The conference was great. I learned a lot, did some networking and even had some fun (maybe too much... the $15 margarita may have been a bad idea, LOL) but it was just incredibly hard to be away. I missed Lila (and Neil) so much. I'm so appreciative for my mom and Neil's parents for coming in this weekend to help out. Thank you!!

When I picked Lila up today from Amanda's, Lila seemed pretty unenthusiastic about my return (break my heart!) but I was thrilled to see my baby! Four days without her was so painful. Travelling is hard in and of itself, but even more so when you have to leave your adorable child behind. I know she was fine. She had a ton of fun and probably barely realized I was gone. But, it was very tough on me.

This month has been really hard. I just feel like I have to sacrifice a lot these days. I've been incredibly busy at work, which inevitably trickles down to feeling busy at home. I feel behind on pretty much everything in my life... like I'm just barely staying afloat. As soon as something gets checked off the to-do list at work, two more things get added on. Big projects loom over my head with no time to accomplish them. My house needs some TLC and I've been meaning to paint my toenails for like 3 weeks! I have been kicking butt on the workout front (well until this weekend when I was gone) but it seems like so many other things are falling by the wayside. Oh how I wish I could do it all!

Enough with the complaining. I'm home and next week's schedule looks much better. My baby girl turns ONE on Thursday and her birthday party is on Saturday. Thank goodness for my mother who is basically planning the whole party! There are so many details and special things I wish I could do before the party, but I'm just going to have to let it go. The most important thing is celebrating with friends and family and having fun with our little girl. Can't believe she will be ONE!

Sibling age gap - What's best?

Okay, so this has been on my mind for a few weeks now... I've thinking a lot about the ideal time between babies. And, No! I'm not pregnant or wanting to be right now! Just thinking.

We know we want to have another child at some point, but the question is, when? And I know you can't always plan things perfectly but when should we even aim to start trying again?

Lila is nearing her first birthday and I'd love for her to have a brother or sister relatively close to her age. My brother is 2.5 years younger than me and although we tormented each other at times we have gotten along pretty well our whole lives. From what I hear, 2-3 years apart is pretty ideal.

My hopes with the spacing:

- The kids can play together well

- Lila kind of knows what is going on when the new baby comes

- Lila is potty trained or close to it when we have a newborn

- The kids will both attend the same schools some of the time: 1st and 4th grade, or freshman and senior

I'd also like to avoid a June - October baby because of work reasons (my busiest time is August - October). And again, I know this is hard to plan. But ideally, I'd like a winter or spring baby.

So that said, is 2.5 years apart the best? Is 3.5 too much? Is there really much of a difference? Does it have more to do with the older child's temperament than age?

Let's just say we achieve a 2.5 year age gap exactly. Lila will be 2.5 on August 23, 2013. Since I'd like to avoid that time of year to have a baby it will probably be sooner than that. Or later?

An April 2013 baby would make the kiddos 26 months apart. Is that too close? And I'd need to be pregnant again this coming July! Am I even ready for that?! Since I'm absolutely terrified to go into labor again...Methinks... NO.

A little bit over a 3 year age gap would be April or May of 2014. Lila will likely be potty trained by then and old enough to kind of know what's going on. But if we aim for that time, what if it takes us awhile to get pregnant? It's not the end of the world but would a 4 year age gap be too much?

What I'm thinking now is trying for another baby right around Lila's 2nd birthday in February of 2013. Hopefully I'll be pregnant before summer and will be having a baby in late Fall 2013 or Winter/Spring of 2014. On the early end that'd be an October baby and Lila would be a bit over 2.5. On the later end, she'd get a sibling right after her 3rd birthday.

The only downside I see to this is that I'd be pregnant on my 30th birthday in September 2013! I totally wanted to be in Vegas or on a cruise!

It helped to think that out "on paper"... but in the end I know you can't always plan things like this. I guess we will know when we are ready to add to our family and it will happen when it happens! Anyone have any insights into the best sibling age gap?

The first year of Motherhood

This time last year I was nearing my due date of February 14th, not knowing that I'd have to wait until February 23rd to meet my daughter. All of that build up to Lila's birth seems like yesterday and years ago at the same time. In many ways I'm exactly the same person that I was pre-Lila. But of course motherhood changes you. I'm late more often than I'm early these days. I think more about the future. My thoughts and concerns are less about myself and more about my daughter.

Being a mom is hard! I know it's difficult whether you are a working mom or a stay at home mom or a work at home mom. I have friends in all of those situations and we all struggle sometimes. The hardest thing for me about being a working mom is not having enough time to do everything and feeling so pulled in different ways. There are so many thoughts in my head at all times. I want to do it all and sometimes there is not enough time and energy to do that.

Somehow I feel both empowered and inadequate as a mother. Do we all feel that way? I'm proud of so many things I've done for Lila in her first year of life. She is an amazing little girl, and while I can't take credit for all of it, I'm sure the time and love we give her is shaping her into the person she will be. I'm really proud of myself looking back on my first year of motherhood. For someone who'd only changed one diaper and never even held a baby younger than a month old, I've come a long way! I am doing a much better job than I thought I was going to do, but I still feel like I could do more. That stupid mommy guilt has its way of creeping in.

Guilt aside, I have learned so much in the past year!

I've learned perseverance. Breastfeeding did not come easily to us, but we made it work! After struggling with latching issues and extremely long feeding sessions we finally got our rhythm and for 7 months she was mostly breastfed. Nursing was not the blissful bonding experience that many people describe it to be, but I'm really glad we figured it out. I hope to at least nurse for 6 months with the next baby too. If you can make it work, it is so much easier to breastfeed in those early months when they eat so often.

I've learned to trust my gut. It was totally the right decision to wean Lila at 7 months. My gut was telling me that I couldn't continue pumping at work and that Lila would be happier and healthier with formula. It was totally true. Yes, it's best for baby to be breastfed for one year. For us, is was best to wean. I'm so glad I let go of the guilt on this front and went with what was best for us! There are so many conflicting opinions about everything when you are a parent. The best thing I have done is to trust my instincts and do what is best for Lila and for us.

I've learned a lot about sleep. So much about being a new mommy involves sleep. Lack of sleep for the parents and trying to instill good sleep habits for the baby. I've read so many things about baby sleep it's kind of ridiculous. I think the combination of an easy baby, luck and research has contributed to Lila's great sleep habits. Another reason we decided to wean Lila was the hope that formula would fill her belly more and contribute to better sleep. I truly believe that the last 6 months of sleeping 12+ hours a night are doing wonders for Lila's development and temperament. It's a trade off, but one that is working for us!

I've learned that it does indeed go too fast, just like everyone said. I feel like we were just bringing Lila home and now she is communicating with us and bringing home artwork from daycare! It's absolutely amazing to see a newborn grow into a toddler. Every milestone is exciting!

I've learned to appreciate my own mom even more now. My mom and I have a great relationship and pretty much talk everyday. Now that I'm a mom I really realize how fabulous of a mother she was throughout my childhood and to me as an adult. I've learned so much from her. She is also a fabulous grandma and has been so supportive to me as I learn to be a parent. She never judges me! She just supports me and helps me and is there for me. I can only hope I will be like this for Lila even when she is "grown up"!

Finally, I've learned about pure, unconditional love. I love Neil and my parents and brother unconditionally, of course. But I never knew the kind of unending, protective, almost irrational love until I became a mom. Lila is the most important thing in my life and the biggest responsibility and opportunity I've ever had. I'm so so lucky to have her. I'm so thankful to have a healthy, happy child! She makes us laugh and makes us proud every day!

To my Lila... you are the best thing that has ever happened to your daddy and me. We didn't really know what to expect about having a child, but you are far better and sweeter and more beautiful than we ever could have imagined. The highlight of my day is when we are all home together and we turn music on and dance and laugh and just have fun. You have a truly infectious laugh and spirit! I want to freeze time and enjoy the you that you are at this moment but I also can't wait to watch you grow up. I hope you always stay curious, energetic and happy! We love you baby girl.

So yeah... motherhood. It really has been a crazy ride. There are a lot fears and struggles and insecurities but more JOY than I ever thought possible. This year has gone too fast but I'm so excited for what is to come!!!

11 months old!

Just one more month before our little sweetie is 1 year old!! I truly can’t believe how many changes a baby goes through in one year. So amazing! I’m just trying to keep up!

The biggest change for Lila and for all of us this month was switching daycares. I’m so happy to report that our new arrangement is going fabulously! Lila is adjusting really well and is learning so many new things. In the two short weeks she has been going to Miss Amanda’s, Lila has tried countless new foods, gone on playdates, completed some art projects (yes, at 11 months old), and has gone on trips to the park and the library!

I feel so lucky that everything has worked out! There is nothing more important to me in this world than my sweet daughter. And because I have to go to work everyday, her care while I’m gone is crucial, obviously! Lila is making new friends (human and canine), learning so many things and getting so much attention and interaction. I think it’s going to be wonderful for Lila’s development... especially for her language and creativity! And because I know she reads my blog, a huge huge THANK YOU to Amanda! You truly saved us! Thanks for taking such great care of Lila. I don’t know how to fully express how grateful we really are for you!!!!

Weight/Height/Sizes:
At her 10 month checkup Lila was 18 lb 15 oz. and she had only gained 14 oz in 2 months!!! I was so worried but the doctor wasn’t at all. She said that since Lila is so active and has grown a lot in length its nothing to worry about. She also had a little stomach bug around that time and was throwing up occasionally so she probably lost weight that way. We’ve been trying to fatten her up, so hopefully it’s working. I weighed her on our home scale the other day and it read 19.6 lbs. I really hope she is over 20 lbs at her 1-year checkup.

Her height at the 10 month checkup was 29.5 inches. She wears mostly 12 month clothes, some 18 month jeans and tops and a size 3 shoe, but some 2s still work.

Talking:
New Words - in addition to dada, mama, baby, Lila, yay...

bye - correctly pronounced now, and sort of in a Southern accent
dog - “gob”
bottle - “baba”
num num num - is “i’m ready for food now mommy”

She talks all the time in her own language. It’s really funny to hear her inflections and to start hearing some real words in there... she still loves that lower register of her voice and rarely does anything very high pitched. She likes to growl and do her Beevis and Butthead “huh huh” laugh a lot!

She remains very social and outgoing. She loves to look around, greet everyone in the room and wave! One funny thing that she does is when two people are talking and laughing to each other she will try to butt-in to the conversation by laughing and trying to get their attention. She is a little ham!

Motion:

Not walking yet. I’ve seen her stand on her own a few times and once she came toward me and kind of took a step. I just don’t think she is ready to fully go for it yet. She would rather crawl fast!! She is very nimble and moves around very well. She can squat to get things, cruises with furniture and the walls, likes to do a down-ward facing dog yoga move, and can climb stairs very fast!

Sleeping:

Still sleeps through the night beautifully, but is waking occasionally because of teething pain. Tylenol and some cuddles worked pretty well and she goes right back to sleep.

Her naps are changing so we are in a bit of a transition right now. She is almost ready to go to one nap a day, but not quite. She still seems to need a bit of a catnap in the morning (20-30 mins) and then will take a longer nap after lunch of 3 hours or so. When she is home with us on the weekends she doesn’t nap as well as she does during the week. But, that’s pretty much always been the case!

I'd say normal for her is 12-13 hours at night 7-7:30. And 2-3.5 hours during the day.

Eating:

Still has formula 4 times a day, around 6 oz each feeding, sometimes less. We are still totally on bottles and she still wont drink formula from a cup.

Eats 3 meals per day plus snacks. Loves big girl food and feeding herself. I think we are almost completely done with baby food! I still will give her baby food veggies and prunes if she needs them. She has been doing very well with drinking water from a sippy cup and I've been letting her try out a spoon and fork. Sometimes she even gets some in her mouth!

Favorite foods -

Cheerios, noodles, yogurt, meatballs or any meat really, baked or mashed potatoes, broccoli, broccoli soup, beans, baby goldfish

Least favorite foods -

Oatmeal, eggs (yep, two of mommy’s favorites!)

Nicknames:

Lila Bean, Goof or Goofy, Sleepy Gus, Silly Gus or just Gus! And for when she is being super destructive and daring: Lila-zilla or Lila Knievel. Haha!

Funny/new things:

Can “click” her tongue and does this often

She now has 4 teeth and is working on top canine teeth, we think.

Loves opening drawers and doors. She even closed the door to my closet the other day when I was in it... she said “Bye!” and closed the door with me inside!

Also blows raspberries a lot and does spit food occasionally, which is very annoying!

Loves to throw things. We taught her how to pick up her toys by throwing them in the toy bin and now she is obsessed with throwing everything. Food, spoons, toys, socks, everything!

Still loves to crawl through small spaces (under tables and chairs, through her tunnel), loves climbing the stairs, climbing our dressers (luckily they are very heavy)

Is showing a temper occasionally. If we take something away from her, or move her away from the stairs or pantry or dishwasher , etc. she will throw herself on the ground and cry! Very dramatic.

Loves the bath, but freaks out if she gets her face in the water or gets any in her mouth. It's absolutely frightening when she gets scared in the water because I always think she can't breathe. Oh my gosh, the scariest seconds of my life. I want to give her swim lessons soon to ease both of our minds about the water.

Starting to occasionally sleep with a blanket. She moves a lot in her sleep so it doesn’t stay on for long. We dress her very warmly for bed for that reason. I think she might be ready for a “lovey” of some sort. Up to this point she hasn’t been to loving or nurturing to any stuffed animal or doll, but we are trying!

Loves to be tickled and loves to laugh!! Her laugh is like nothing I've ever heard. The BEST sound!

Imitates us a lot. Will try to repeat what we are saying or she will clap or wave or whatever after we do it.

She points at things now. Not very often but she does occasionally point to things in stores or at places like the aquarium.

Very clingy to me this month. Sometimes daddy just won’t do, it’s got to be mommy! She even yells to get out of his arms and then reaches for me and hugs me!! I’m kind of loving it, sorry Neil!

Is starting to give big wet open mouth kisses. She also blows kisses, or tries.

Loves books and reading and loves turning the pages. Her attention span is still quite short so we don’t always make it through a whole book before moving on to another one

Has a very annoying tendency to slap us in the face or grab our faces or glasses/earrings/lips/noses! I’m trying to figure out a way to discourage this. I’ve tried ignoring it, saying “no” firmly and then looking away from her for 15-30 seconds, showing her how to touch “gentle”... nothing is really working yet. She is not hitting us in a mean way, its more just out of excitement. Hopefully she stops that soon. Toddler discipline is going to be fun, and especially with this little spitfire!

She says "bye" sometimes without prompting... if someone is putting on their coat or heads for the door, she starts waving and saying "bye"! Smart girl!

Neil and I just LOVE our little girl. She is (in our opinion) the smartest, sweetest, funniest, most beautiful baby EVER! I can't believe she is ours and how much we love her. I totally get why people brag on their kids all the time. The amount of pure love and pride I have for her in immeasurable. It's just not something you "get" until you are a parent.

I just hope we are doing her justice as her parents. It's VERY difficult to be a working mom. That's something for a different post, but it's so hard to be torn in so many ways. For me, I feel like I try to do all the things a stay at home mom does, but I'm just not there during the day... does that make sense? I feel like I am just as connected and devoted to my daughter and want to enrich her and be there for her as if I were there for her during the day, but I'm not. I guess that's where good childcare comes in!

Anyway, I cannot believe Lila will be 1 YEAR OLD in a month. So exciting!

My "Get Healthy" Plan for 2012

I heard on the radio this morning that 75% of people who make New Year's resolutions will give up 10 days in to the new year. Well, I'm happy to report that my plan to get back in shape is still going strong and I'm already seeing results.

While I was pregnant with Lila I gained 46 lbs. I knew that was too much but I figured I would lose it pretty easily by breastfeeding or dieting after she was weaned. Well, I am still 15 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight and have been since Lila was 3 months old! My body has bounced back some but the weight is still there.

July 2010: Around 9 weeks pregnant here, probably around 150 lbs

January 2011: My baby shower, 37 weeks pregnant and pushing 190 lbs!

I tried Weight Watchers last fall but I really didn't stick to it. I started eating better for a while and then went back to my old ways of eating out too much, eating too many carbs and not working out. Before I was pregnant I worked out 4-5 times a week, ate pretty healthy and I was very comfortable and confident with myself.

My postpartum body and I are not friends. I try not to look at my body in the mirror. I don't change clothes in front of my husband. I try to ignore my weight. To be honest, I sort of gave up on myself! Things are not what they used to be and I've had a hard time convincing myself that I deserve the change. It's been so long since I've worked out hard and eaten really well, I didn't know where to start, so I never did.

August 2011: 6 Months post-partum... probably 165-170 lbs. Not many pictures of me these days... most get deleted :(

On New Year's Day, I watched my wedding video. My wedding day, July 1st 2006, was the skinniest I've ever been. I was around 130 lbs and a size 4. The few months before my wedding I lost 15-20 lbs on Body For Life and I felt great! I was strong, lean and happy! Of course right before my wedding ALL I focused on was working out and planning meals. Most of the wedding details were already done, so all I did that summer was lay out, work out and eat healthy.

July 2006: Wedding Day, around 130 lbs. I was so proud of my toned arms!

Seeing myself that skinny on video was a huge wake up call. I remembered how confident I was. I loved trying on bathing suits. I wore shorts and tiny tank tops and wasn't self conscious at all. I didn't have to worry about a double chin in pictures. I didn't fuss with and adjust my clothes all the time like I do now. No muffin top, no changing clothes a million times in the morning. Seeing myself at that weight was just the push I needed to make a change.

On Jan. 3rd I started a 30-day eating and work out challenge. I needed to start off strong. Small changes and adjustments just weren't enough. I needed a big change to start seeing results early and to convince myself that I really AM capable of working out and eating healthy again!

My 30 Day Challenge:

- Eat a lower carb, higher protein diet. Between 1200-1500 calories a day, 40% protein, 40% carb, 20% fat. I'm tracking my meals on SparkPeople. I'm eating a lot of oatmeal, chicken breasts, brown rice, fruit and veggies! Staying away from processed foods, no eating out. One cheat meal per week!

- Weekly workouts: At least 30 mins of cardio 3x/week, weights 2x/week. Upper and lower body plus abs and back.

So far, I've lost 3 lbs. This is probably mostly water weight, but it's such a great feeling seeing the scale going in the right direction. I've weighed the exact same for months so it's awesome to lose! I don't have any specific goals for these 30 days really, just stick to the plan and create new habits of healthy eating and working out most days.

After 30 days, I may loosen up my rules or change the plan in some way. I don't really want to be 130 lbs again or a size 4. My goal is 145-150 lbs which is much more sustainable for me. My giant stack of goal jeans are mainly size 8.

Summer 2008: Biking! I think I was around 145 here. Would love to be this weight again!

2011 was one of the best years of my life. I gained a beautiful daughter but I lost some of myself. This year, I want to get back my confidence and be proud of my body again. I hope to lose about 9 more lbs by Lila's 1st birthday party on Feb. 25! I want to look back at those photos with my baby girl and be proud that I'm making the changes I need to make. Not just for me, but for her too.

An Update Post and Daycare Drama

Well, I've been a little overwhelmed with life lately!! I've got a super active 10.5 month old, a lot of deadlines coming up at my job, Neil's starting a new position at his work and to top it off - we had to find new childcare for Lila.

It's a super long and dramatic story, but bottom line is that this weekend we found out that our daycare would be closing and we would need to find something else basically immediately. Everything happened so fast that I barely had time to process it. We are finding out more and more as we talk to other parents and daycare employees, but our daycare was mismanaged financially and the daycare director was doing a good job hiding the problems from everyone. Well, it all came crashing down this weekend! Luckily, there was never any problems with the actual CARE that was provided, but business wise is another story. Apparently there are some parents and former employees that are owed substantial amounts of money and are pursuing legal action. I told you it was dramatic!!!

Well after calling around and talking to people we have found a wonderful new childcare situation that is going to be so much better!!!! I cannot tell you how excited and pleased I am. One of the girls who worked at the daycare's preschool is going to take care of Lila in her home. Amanda has a 2 year old little boy and a 5 year old daughter in Kindergarten during the day. Lila is going to get so much one on one attention. They are going to go to the park, the library for story time, on walks, get to play outside and did I mention that Amanda was a preschool teacher and is a licensed middle school teacher!? It's also going to be cheaper and on my way to work!!!

I am so pleased about these changes and it's truly a blessing in disguise. The best thing is that Lila already knows Amanda and Amanda knows Lila's routine and everything. Lila will still have a transition period, sure, but I think this is going to be so great for everyone!!

It was a crazy weekend, but I am so happy with how everything is turning out. Crisis averted!