I'm a very optimistic/positive person so I hate being Debbie downer! I'm so freaking lucky to have the life and family I have. That said, I had kind of a crappy morning. (And as a reader of my blog, you don't just want to hear about the good days, right?)
Lila woke up in a great mood. She started making noises around 7:15 when Neil and I were eating breakfast, so I went up to get her. I got smiles and giggles the whole time I changed her and got her dressed. She was great when I fed her her bottle (we are almost completely done with nursing - another post entirely) and she was her normal happy self when I got her out the door with Neil to go to daycare.
So what's wrong with this picture you ask? A nice morning with a smiling happy baby?
I was only with her for approximately 20 minutes!! This was particularly fast morning, but still. Also, she goes to bed around 7 these days so that's only about an hour and 1/2 with her in the evenings. This is NOT enough time people!!! It breaks my heart that I miss so much during the day while I'm at work.
So, I cried! I cried a bit getting ready this morning and I cried some in the car on the way to work! Am I a bad mom because I have to work? Am I a really bad mom because most days I don't mind going to work? Am I messing her up completely by not being there during the day to teach her things and talk to her? I love our daycare - but I'm so jealous that the girls that work there get to enjoy her all day. That's my baby and they are getting to see her smiles and laughs, not me! They are also getting the poop and feedings and fusses too, but anyway...
I'm just in a little funk I guess. I wish I had the option to work part time or have more days off or be able to spend more time with her during the week, but I really don't. We absolutely have to have my full income (more would be nice) and frankly, I think I'm a better mom because I work. The time I do spend with her is undivided, 100%, loving/playing/nurturing Lila time. Even in the car on the way home from daycare (only 10 mins) I reach back and hold her hand or stroke her face during the stoplights! I try not to look at my phone or do much else when I'm with her! But it's still just not enough.
Another thing is that our evening routine is such a scramble because of her early bedtime. Even if I bring Lila directly home I'm rushing to fit everything in before that first "time for bed" eye rub. I knew we were pushing it last night to try to go to Chick fil A at 6:30. We made it but by the time we got home and up to her room and in pj's she was already past the point of going to bed easily. She got overtired and cranky and never really got to sleep until 8:15. Neil and I took turns patting, shushing, etc in her room for almost an hour! No fun for anyone!! If we get the timing right she puts herself to sleep in just a few minutes, no tears. So I know this early bedtime is the right thing to do, but it's just so hard to not have much time with her.
So that's my sad, poor me rant of the day. The plight of the working mom. Don't even get me started on the dishes, mail, laundry, recycling, trash, etc.. that is piling up and the tasks that never seem to get done. I know stay at home moms have it bad too, but at least you have nap time to do stuff! I know.. I know.. at least I have daily adult interaction and a full hour to eat lunch (sometimes).
So that's it. I just wanted to complain a bit! I don't have enough time with my sweet lovely daughter, and it sucks. But, tomorrow will be better. And then I have the weekend. And someday she will have a later bedtime! I know it will get better, but for now, it BLOWS!